The Snowboarding…

My buddy Pete n I decided that we needed to celebrate out 29-ness while we still could, so of course trying our hand at snowboarding was the obvious answer. I had never snowboarded b4 and neither had Pete but we were stoked (i can say that now cuz I'm a snowboarder...sort of) Well we bought the gear ie goggles, pants, tights, ninja mask and rented the big stuff and were on our way. This really sweet girl Rachel came along too and helped us out with some pointers and how to stand n stuff but otherwise we were kind of on our own. We literally just hopped in line and just as I was about to be next in line on the lift...I see a sign that says "This Run is for intermediate level skiers and above ONLY. No beginners" and then the chair lift swept me away! So nearly instantaneously I began to freak the eff out!! I wanted to scream but I didn't want the RED CROSS people to come so I was about ready to turn into that guy from "The House of Wax" where he's embalmed but can still cry..anyway I'm wavin my arms and Rachel tries for a minute to console me but then I think she had to turn around so I didn't see her laughing her ass off and Pete was just laughin it up behind me. Anyway, I contemplated jumping from the lift and then decided that was a pain I didn't need to feel, so I just sort of was quietly histerical for what seemed like the 45 mins that it took for us to get to the top of what i was sure was the highest peak in the lower 48 states. Actually it was about a 10 min ride but by the time I reached the top, I remembered, I have absasmurfly no idea how the H to get off of this thing. So the end was fast approaching and I did the only thing I knew to do. I jumped....and fell flat on my face, just receiving a small taste of the kind of pain I was about to feel from this dastardly mountain. We all get to the top and its revealed to me that we are at 12,000 ft!! Our first time snowboarding and we are trying to impersonate those crazy dudes from the Dew Tour. My hysteria has turned to blinding fear and I'm trying to be brave but its not working very well. In my very first attempt to stand ,after I scraped myself off the chair lift face plant zone, I was convinced that both my groin muscles had rolled up my legs like roman shades. I pressed on though and got to my "feet." I was up but now what? Our hosts for this trip Travis and Tori had been waiting for us at the top...they are pretty descent skiers and were there strictly for entertainment purposes, of this I am convinced. Well...I believe I made it about 15 feet and proceded to fall on what most certainly had to be some sort of white concrete. I've never been run over by a city bus before but I believe it must feel something like the pain I felt the first time I BIFFED it on the slopes. Afterward, I told my friends the mountain was tuggging at my soul to quit and I almost listened. Pete seemed to be doing a little better but decided that speed was the name of the game and while I was already contemplating retiring from the sport I love, he somehow decided he wanted to break the land speed record for a 240lb dude. He had some epic wipeouts that may or may not have killed some of the tiny little men that were wizzing by us. Rachel was kind of there to make sure we both stayed alive and she'd stop and laugh at each of us and make sure we were able to continue. After about 5 near death experiences and landings that I can still feel nearly 3 weeks later...I had two crashes that were the end of my snowboarding for the day. The first was one where I hit my right shoulder so hard that it made a sound like it broke off my body and after dusting myself off from that "horrendous crash" (you rule james best!) I got up again and it was either that my shoulder hurt so bad I didn't feel my groin anymore or I was so cold I couldn't feel anythng. But I got up again and made it about 50 yards and I was now ffffffflying down the mountain and decided to try to stear....BAD IDEA...I started facing backward and when i tried to turn back around I caught my edge and did a face plant that would grow faces and slid on said face for a bit and then my momentum was such that I parlayed the faceplant in to a barrel roll 3 or 4 times where upon my stoppage, my binding had broken off and I was now going to have to toboggan down the mountain the rest of the way. Pete went zipping by screaming the unforgettable line from Talledega Nights "I WANNA GO FAST!!" and he did, until he too wiped out...hard. He had to unbury himself a few times he wrecked so hard. Rachel was just kind of enjoying the show I think..she seemed like she could stay upright pretty well and I only saw her bite it once, but it was quite a wreck and she may or may not have left some of her tailbone on the slopes. Anyway we worked our way down in a zoomy 2 1/2 hrs. I couldn't go on cuz my body said no and my equipment was echoing that thought as well. Pete 'n Rachel went up one more time and there were reports that Pete actually spun on his head in what must have been the wipeout of all wipeouts. I think we slowly got better but who knew it was going to be that hard and that it was going to make you question living everytime you bit it. I sure didn't, but Pete 'n I are undaunted and plan on going back and conquering that mountain. Who knows? maybe I'll even make it all the way down with my equipment still in tact next time.